Saturday, January 25, 2014

What "Mommy Wars"?

This gem called Stop the Mommy Wars: Empowering Photo Series has been being shared around and it's irritating me more and more every time I see it.
Maybe it's just me but I don't see anything Empowering about these photos...
& what "Mommy Wars"?
Maybe I live in a bubble but I just don't see it.

I CHOOSE to surround my self with nonjudgmental people who support me and my choices but even if someone didn't support my choices, guess what?  I don't care!  I don't need you to love my choices. They're MY choices, I'm doing what's best for MY family.  That's what we should all be doing.  If anyone in your life is saying things to you like the post I linked above says: "Raising your kids without religion will damage your kids souls" then by all means please remove them from your life!!  Why on earth would you remain friends with someone like that?  If your friends are saying shit like that to you than you need to find a healthier social circle & if it's a stranger who is saying things like this to you, who the #!&@ cares??!  Really, who cares what a stranger thinks of you and your parenting?  I certainly don't & you shouldn't either.  They don't know you, the dynamics of your family, or why you choose to do things the way you do!  There are a lot of negative and opinionated people in this world & point blank:  F*@! them.  I can't think of a more eloquent way to say it.

Also, I co-sleep and I wouldn't have an issue with anyone asking me "why do you co-sleep?" like it says in the "Stop the Mommy Wars" post.  It's just a question, an opportunity for discourse, it's NOT judgement.  I would take the opportunity to talk about a subject that I'm passionate about and explain why co-sleeping works amazingly for our family.  That's just absurd if anyone would get offended about that.

or I would simply show them this heart warming picture of my husband and kids co-sleeping to make my point

In my opinion the bigger issue is Mommy guilt, & we're all guilty of it sometimes.  Most recently I've been trying to make myself not feel guilty about the lack of attention and all of the electronics time my 4 year old has been getting since my 7 week old son has been born.  So what did I do?  I told my amazingly supportive friend how I'm feeling and she told me that she goes through the same thing, that I'm a great Mama, and I'm doing an awesome job, & I know that I am because I'm doing my best.  I'm doing what's best for my family and tending to my newborns needs 24/7  because that's what will be best for us in the long run.  Do I think that everyone I know who limits their children's electronic time is waging a war against me?!  No!  They're doing what's best for THEIR family.

In my circle of friends some of us are vegetarians, some of us are meat eaters, some of us eat fast food, some of us don't, some of us co-sleep, some of us don't, some of use cloth diaper, some of us don't, some of use vaccinate, some of us don't, some of us are religious, some of us aren't, but we all RESPECT each other and our choices that we make for our own families.  There are no "Mommy Wars" in our social circle.  If the first sign in that post said "RESPECT more & judge less" I can get down with that.  We all don't have to LOVE everyone else & their choices but I can still respectfully disagree.
As a matter of fact, ask anyone who knows me, I'm VERY open about my opinion on routine infant circumcision, I'm constantly trying to educate people because I believe every parent should be informed before they make a decision they may regret and every baby has the right to genital integrity and guess what?  Some of my best friends circumcised their sons!  Granted, most if not all of them have had the courage to admit to me that they regret it because they weren't informed when they made the choice and that is actually what pushes me to be more vocal about it, so no more Moms have to feel that awful regret.

Me and my friends at my Blessingway

So where are all of these "Mommy Wars" that everyone speaks of?  On the internet?  Well if you're getting into fights or "Mommy Wars" on the internet then you have bigger problems..  There's negative people and trolls all over the internet antagonizing people on all types of issues.  If you're listening to anything they say or letting them bother you stop!  Just stop!  Take a breath and go outside and play with your kids.

I think Mommy Wars are a fictitious imaginary problem that is fabricated by the media.  Articles about Mommy Wars get people to click and read them.
Case in point:
Jamie from I Am Not The Babysitter did NOT do this cover to start "Mommy Wars" but that's obviously what TIME was going for.  They got A LOT of attention for this cover.
From Jamie: TIME contacted me by email with their phone number asking if I would be interested in participating in a photo shoot for a story they were doing on attachment parenting. I then found out the story was going to be about Dr. Bill Sears. It sounded like a celebratory story because it was the 20th anniversary of his first book release. The author from TIME spoke about being immersed in the topic, and appeared to have a lot of respect for Dr. Sears.

There is nothing empowering about those photos in the "Stop Mommy Wars" post.  It's just perpetuating the "Mommy Wars" myth and feeding into the media frenzy.  If we really want to Stop the "Mommy Wars" then we need to stop letting the media create them.  Stop posting shit like this, stop sharing shit like this, and stop feeding into it.

***Edited to add a quote from my brilliant friend Doris regarding this blog post:
 If you step back even further, think about the effect that the media fabricated "Mommy Wars" has on women in general. It's become another tool in which women have to second guess themselves. "Are you Mom Enough?" "What's Your Excuse?" and so on and so on. A continuous barrage of images & ideas that suggests we are not good enough, that we are somehow lacking. We should call it what it is, the media's war on women. How else are they going to get us to buy the "necessary" new gizmo's and gadgets so we can become the "perfect woman?" 

So instead of calling it the "Mommy Wars" let's call it what it is!  The Media's War on Women!  -Bravo Doris!

***I'm suddenly getting thousands of hits on this blog if someone can comment below and tell me where you all are coming from so I can thank whoever is sharing it, I'd appreciate it!  :)


  1. I have a problem with the whole term Mommy Wars. Where are the Daddy Wars? It's just another word for 'cat fight' to act like women are the only ones who are ever petty or judgmental. It's sexist.

    I can agree with all of this. I listen to good evidence based reasoning if someone wants to discuss why are they are doing stuff but I certainly don't walk are under looking for or expecting commentary on my choices.

  2. I've shared on Facebook/stayingwild and Facebook/thealternativemom :)

    1. Sorry didn't realise I was commenting as Staying Wild.. a friend posted your article I'm not sure where she saw it first! Sending love - Annabel

  3. I found you by a share from Evolutionary Parenting. LOVE your take on this.

  4. The American mass media outlets almost all stink. I don't know why anybody with half a brain pays any attention at all to American mass media outlets.

  5. I found you on Evolutionary Parenting, too. Nice work!

  6. If it's a war, then I wish to sue for peace and offer my unconditional surrender. Or is this just a "woman's war"? Live and let live, life's too short for petty differences!!.